A new world
The desire to detach myself from the world for a long time and to enter a new world, a private one, overcame me.
I switched off my mobile phone that had begun to show signs of its impending slow death and cut off contact with all persons through all mediums of communication. In short, any link that I have with the real world. We all need time to ourselves, free from the unrelenting distractions of this world.
I felt that I needed to get far away from everything, from every voice I did not want to hear, for I will not allow myself to be killed via means to which I have not acquiesced. I wish to die with dignity, with my head held high; does man actually exercise any control over the manner of his death ?
Call me crazy, for it is my best feature, but I hate to feel weak and powerless because it kills me and tears me apart. Sometimes I wish to die a thousand deaths just so that I can escape this feeling; I would do anything, just one thing to rid myself of this cursed poison.
No more the role of ‘loyal friend’, no more the role of ‘caring mother’ as my friends call me; everything has stopped but I have not died!. The person inside me does not die, sickness and pain cannot touch the person inside me. Inside me is a woman borne of the womb of determination.
I agonised from pain in my back and my leg and could not move easily, I had an urge to enter into a deep sleep. I felt pleasure at that moment and wanted to enjoy the taste of sleep, for which I have been thirsty for a long time. My mother came after she was urgently called to give me my medicine, hoping that it would ease my pain for some time so I could sleep. The pain, however, would not go away, for it is stronger than any drug known to modern medicine.
My private world. O’ merciful bullet that has saved my soul and given me a new lease of life, even if it was only for a few minutes or a few days !
I rested my thoughts, my aching body and wandering dreams. So I took to reading and writing, unaware that my fingers were even moving. I am a different person now. So when I came to and tried to read what I had written, I was astonished and wondered who had written this, to whom, when and how ? The answer was I do not know.!
I always thought that reading and writing were my enemies, as I had always said that I did not enjoy either of them. I would complete my academic obligations as requested by my professors, a chore that had to be done, nothing more.
Don’t ask me how because I do not know ,but everything changed; I found myself floating, flying or even swimming in an another world. Moving from one book to another, from literature to poetry to religion, from here and there, travelling around the world like Ibn Battuta. I moved through the pages of a novel like a musician along the strings of his world ! In your realms there is no concept of time, shackles have been broken and borders have been crossed; floating and flying, no matter where, the only important thing is that I fly.
I used to always try to cut all ties between these two worlds as each of them is different; the first, distorted and poisoned with its damned thoughts and ideas; the second, I cannot find the words to describe it, its most beautiful feature is its innocence.
instrument. Imagine me reading a novel in one day ?! How beautiful you are my private
How can I return to this wretched world from which I am running away, looking for another world, where I hope to find what I have been searching for a long time, where I hope to find peace, “peace” my dear friends !
For an unknown reason, I felt the urge to open a narrow passage to this world when I read that someone had written “Weeping is a remedy for women, they weep in order to forget their worries, to cope with a greater burden; while men can erupt before they break into tears. Women are strong because they weep. Men cannot withstand an equal burden to women, who weep to find the strength required to deal with the situation. As such, you must weep men and feel no shame, weep in order to cope, learn from women”.
I was startled by the trail of images surrounding me, women and children crying, but what really struck me were the weeping men and I found the following words coming from me like a burning flame:
“Here, in Gaza, there are real men,
They have wept because the pain has exceeded all limits,
Because the pain has torn the hearts,
Because the voices have become throaty”.!!
I wish I could have caught their magnificent tears with a little handkerchief to make a crown to be placed on the heads of the free !
Here, dear writer, you find what you were wishing for has come true; as here everything is different, here everything exists beyond all limitations, beyond written words.